An Account of Sexual Assault at Amherst College
Issue   |   Wed, 10/17/2012 - 00:07

TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.

When you’re being raped time does not stop. Time does not speed up and jump ahead like it does when you are with friends. Instead, time becomes your nemesis; it slows to such an excruciating pace that every second becomes an hour, every minute a year, and the rape becomes a lifetime.

On May 25, 2011, I was raped by an acquaintance in Crossett Dormitory on Amherst College campus.

Some nights I can still hear the sounds of his roommates on the other side of the door, unknowingly talking and joking as I was held down; it is far from a pleasant wakeup call.

I had always fancied myself a strong, no-nonsense woman, whose intense independence was cultivated by seventeen harrowing years of emotional abuse in my backwoods home. May 25th temporarily shattered that self-image and left me feeling like the broken victim that I had never wanted to be.

Everything I had believed myself to be was gone in 30 minutes.

I did not report the rape after it occurred. Almost immediately after the rape I flew off to California, got lost in the beauty of the redwoods, the phenomenal art, and meeting the most unique people I’d ever beheld.

I blocked the rape from my mind and tried to convince myself that it hadn’t happened; that it couldn’t have happened. But there was no denying the facts.

One week before I was supposed to fly back East, everything rushed over and consumed me. My memory had been restored and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to hold myself together for that year, let alone for the upcoming three years.

When I returned to Amherst for my sophomore year, I designed a simple plan of attack for surviving: Business as usual combined with a new mantra I will NOT cry.

First semester passed relatively well, there were rocky times, but I kept it together. I masked fear with smiles. I mastered the art of avoiding prying questions. I drowned myself in work and extracurricular activities in order to hide my personal pain. I was unnervingly good at playing the role of well-adjusted sophomore.

It was inevitable though that this masquerade would become too overwhelming and that my façade would shatter.

In February twisted fate decided that I had to work with him on a fundraiser. E-mails. Stopping me in the gym and at the dining hall. Smirks. Winks. Pats on my back. It was all too much.

My masquerade was over.

I broke down and for the next several months, he won.

I spent most of my spring semester an emotional wreck. I saw his face everywhere I went. I heard his voice mocking me in my own head. I imagined new rapists hiding behind every shower curtain and potted plant. I bandaged the situation by throwing myself into more work and by resolutely refusing to acknowledge that I was anything but well adjusted.

Eventually I reached a dangerously low point, and, in my despondency, began going to the campus’ sexual assault counselor. In short I was told: No you can’t change dorms, there are too many students right now. Pressing charges would be useless, he’s about to graduate, there’s not much we can do. Are you SURE it was rape? It might have just been a bad hookup…You should forgive and forget.

How are you supposed to forget the worst night of your life?

I didn’t know what to do any more. For four months I continued wandering around campus, distancing from my friends, and going to counseling center. I was continuously told that I had to forgive him, that I was crazy for being scared on campus, and that there was nothing that could be done. They told me: We can report your rape as a statistic, you know for records, but I don’t recommend that you go through a disciplinary hearing. It would be you, a faculty advisor of your choice, him, and a faculty advisor of his choice in a room where you would be trying to prove that he raped you. You have no physical evidence, it wouldn’t get you very far to do this.

Hours locked in a room with him and being called a liar about being raped? No thank you, I could barely handle seeing him from the opposite end of campus; I knew I couldn’t handle that level of negativity.

When May rolled around, everything finally came to a head. My “Anniversary” was coming up and all of the terror that I had intermittently felt that year became one giant ball of horror that filled my life. He was still out there. He could get to me again. If I told anyone he would find out and do it again. No, no, no, no, no.

For my independent studies photography course I produced a series of 20 self-portraits representing myself before, during, and after the rape.

I showed them to my classmates. Their words stung like hornets: You look funny…I don’t get it, why are you so upset?

I went to the counseling center, as they always tell you to do, and spoke about how genuinely sad I was at Amherst, how much I wanted to leave, and how scared I was on a daily basis. “I should just drink darkroom developer or something…”

Twenty minutes later campus police was escorting me into an ambulance. They were even less understanding: There’s something seriously wrong with you; you’re not healthy and normal right now. No, you can’t say no. You HAVE to go, but don’t worry, you won’t have to be there too long. This is for your own good. Amherst cares about you and wants you to get better.

On May 5th I entered Cooley Dickinson Hospital’s Emergency Room. Three hours after sitting curled up and terrified on a hospital bed I was admitted into the Psychiatric Ward for depression and suicidal thoughts. The doctor was skeptical to say the least: I really don’t think that a school like Amherst would allow you to be raped. And why didn’t you tell anybody? That just doesn’t make any sense...Your anger and sadness right now seem unfounded and irrational, someone your age should not be this sad—it’s not normal. We’ll be admitting you in a few minutes, they’ll take good care of you. They’ll get you some drugs and they’ll make you feel happy again…If you don’t willingly enter we’ll have a judge issue a court order legally forcing you to stay there. Trust us, this is for your own good.

So much for not having to stay.

The Psychiatric Ward was a lovely place: the top floor of the hospital, bare white walls, Spartan furnishings, and two stainless steel locked doors at either end of the corridor making sure that anyone who goes in, stays in. Doctors and Nurse Practitioners wondered around the bare hallways checking in on myself and my fellow patients—every fifteen minutes they recorded where we were, what we were doing, and whether we looked happy. In the morning we were given our drugs; if you didn’t take them you would have to be there longer. It was in our best interest to take them, so they told us.

During the day we discussed our thoughts and feelings, our inhibitions, our strengths, but more often than not we did nothing.

When you’re forced to sit and think about yourself for hours on end, you go through four stages of existence.

Stage 1: Hysteria—Characterized by denying that anything is wrong, “I’m perfectly fine” and “I don’t belong here,” are common phrases during this stage.
Stage 2: Numb and Ornery—You have finally realized that something is wrong with you, but you are overwhelmed and confused about how to go about fixing your problem. You therefore decide not to do anything.
Stage 3: Determination—You realize that the only way you’re allowed to leave the Ward is if you “get better” and “solve your problems.” Every fiber of your being thus goes into these two tasks.
Stage 4: Enlightenment—Everything falls into place. Your mind is no longer an oppressive hell and it begins to function again. The outside world no longer seems so daunting.

You are then permitted to leave.

My Enlightenment occurred when I least expected it. Four days into the Ward, I was sitting in on an introductory Substance Abuse and Mental Health Rehabilitation meeting since there was absolutely nothing better to do. To start us off, the meeting leader decided to have everyone go around and talk about why we were on the Ward. We went around the circle: hours in rehab, drug relapses, alcoholism, abusive boyfriends, being an abusive boyfriend, and escapism from the stresses of daily life. The stories weren’t the superficial accounts that you read in a person’s medical file; they were real life. Every problem, every ounce of frustration, every personal tick was laid bare that evening. And everyone was open, not proud, just blunt and sincere; the desire to improve their lives was palpable.

Over the past four days, I had yet to touch upon “what I was in for,” my story was a mystery to everyone around me.

As my fellow patients went around the circle it all suddenly clicked. I realized why I never spoke about the rape, why I had refused to tell my school friends, why I had totally broken down, why I had steadily degenerated over the past few months. I was ashamed, and because of this shame I could not begin healing.

“Silence has the rusty taste of shame,” a fellow survivor once wrote.

I had been far too silent, far too ashamed.

That night I told them everything.

For the first time I told my story and I was not ashamed.

Later that night, as I lay in bed—still in an adrenaline induced state of wakefulness—I heard my roommate whisper my name, and then, a question.

“Are you still awake?”


“Thought so…”

A long pause. She’d been in the meeting.

What was she thinking? What would she say?

“I just wanted to tell you, I…I know how it feels. My uncle raped me when I was 15. The police never arrested him. Rape “wasn’t their top priority.” It still hurts…You’re incredibly brave to talk about it…I rarely do.”

She was 42 years old.

I did not sleep. That night I realized that from then on I could not stay silent—if not for myself, then for my roommate.

I had reached the apex of Stage 4.

I decided that once I was released I would continue with my plans to study abroad that upcoming semester; I would be rejuvenated when I returned to campus in the winter, ready to take on the world and fight for survivor rights.

I would be strong again.

From the moment I woke, this plan hit one pitfall after another; a domino effect of roadblocks that continued for the next three months.

I sat at breakfast in bright spirits, attempting to carry on a conversation with a manic depressive woman who rarely talked. I was so genuinely happy that her lack of responses didn’t even bother me—I just talked at her.

In the middle of my stimulating conversation my harried looking social worker suddenly strode into the dining room and headed purposefully over to me.

She looked grim and angry. “They’re trying to prevent you from going back.”

I was shocked.

She began rattling off the Administration’s policy regarding students released from psychiatric care. In order for students to be allowed back they had to have parental supervision while on campus in order to make sure that the student did not relapse into substance abuse again (the most common reason for student admittance into the Ward). This meant that a parent would stay in a hotel near campus and would then follow their child around for two weeks until the “all clear” period was reached. “And since you don’t have parents…”

She trailed off awkwardly and began to resolutely examine the upper left-hand corner of the dining room.

I must have been speechless for a good minute as a bizarre series of emotions plowed me over.

Shock to incredulity, back to shock, to sadness to anger, back to shock again, then back to sadness, and then an overwhelming amount of shame and embarrassment settled over me. I’m not worthy of even going back; that’s how disgusting I am. I can’t even step foot on campus…

Panic welled up inside of me.

Did this mean I was trapped on the Ward forever? God, no, I couldn’t handle that. I wasn’t crazy!

Claustrophobia and paranoia dropped on top of me and I wildly scanned the room. I met my roommate’s eyes. She was looking at me with worry: What’s wrong?

The room stopped spinning, the walls went back to their normal locations, I could breathe again, and now I was angry. I told her flat out: Let me get this straight. I was raped on their campus. I had an emotional breakdown because I didn’t feel safe and felt harassed on their campus. I went to their counseling center, like they told me to, and I told them how I was feeling. They decided that I should be sent to the hospital. And now they won’t allow me back on their campus? They allow rapists back on campus, but they won’t allow the girl who was raped back? The girl who did nothing wrong.

She told me: Well, when you put it that way…

The maniacal grin on my social worker’s face as she walked off was wonderful.

Needless to say, Amherst let me back on campus later that evening. Five days after being admitted, I was finally released from the Ward.

The car ride back to campus with my dean was, also needless to say, the most awkward car ride of my life. I looked at her: You know, I’m really glad that y’all let me back on campus, for a while there I was pretty worried and I was actually preparing an argument for why I should be allowed back…

Her response: No, no, no! That’s not what happened, you must have just misunderstood the situation! We’re so happy to have you back! Amherst is just such a wonderful place, we know you’ll be happy to be back!

A big misunderstanding, I was skeptical.

In the following days I decided that my best policy when dealing with Amherst at the moment would be “let’s let bygones be bygones.” I quickly forgave the Administration and focused on just being happy to be out. On the inside though I was still dripping with anger, shame, and embarrassment.

Several days after my release I had to defend my chance to study abroad. My chance to leave campus for the first time in 8 months, my chance to relax and heal in a new environment, my biggest chance to revive my love of Amherst, and my chance to move on in life by studying what I truly love. The prospect had gotten me through the most frigid hours on the Ward and I was convinced that it would be the perfect way to continue my healing process.

I half-heartedly murmured, Your actions were understandable. I understand your policy when dealing with depression and students coming out of the Psychiatric Ward…during the meeting that included my dean and several of the campus counselors. Relief instantly flashed across all of their faces and the atmosphere rose in friendliness.

Then: The Ward was the best thing that could have happened to me. I have re-found my love of life and my desire to heal. I will never be 100% better, but I no longer feel like a victim. I’m a survivor, I’m strong, and I think that studying abroad will help me continue healing. When I return in the winter I’ll have a greater understanding of myself and a greater appreciation of Amherst.

They responded with enthusiasm: Of course! Very coherent explanation. You seem much happier, which is wonderful! We agree that going abroad and getting off campus will do you good.

Study abroad here I come!

I felt genuinely happy for the first time in a year, and I could not wait to head out.

At Amherst though, things are never that easy.

A few weeks after my release from the Ward I had a routine check-in with my dean to make sure that I was still doing well. I was excited to be leaving soon, and I must have looked quite content, sitting in her office with a million watt smile and bright eyes. I began to rattle on about how nice the warm weather was, how beautiful commencement had been, how great life was, on and on. She seemed distracted: Nod, nod…Mhmmm…Well, excellent! I’m so glad to hear that you’re excited about the upcoming summer here. I know how much you wanted to study abroad and how much work you must’ve put into it, but really, it’s for the best. Africa is quite traumatizing, what with those horrible third-world conditions: disease…huts…lions! You’ll be much better off here at Amherst where we can watch over you. It will give you some time to think about…you know…that…unfortunate incident…

My face was blank. “I’m supposed to go to Cape Town, South Africa…” Her response broke me down: Yes dear, I know. You were supposed to study in Africa. It’s all for the best that you aren’t though.

No one ever told me flat out that I would no longer be studying abroad. Not even the study abroad dean told me. I scheduled a meeting with her for two days after the meeting with my dean.

A few minutes after exchanging pleasantries she asked: What are your plans for the summer now that you’re on campus?

For the month of June I was decrepit, nothing could perk me up. I returned to feeling the embarrassment and shame that had consumed me before going onto the Ward. If I hadn’t told anyone about what happened I’d be abroad…If I had been stronger…If I wasn’t such a failure…This is all my fault, I really am just a broken, polluted piece of shit…

Living was difficult. Each day I woke up and wandered around in a daze. At night I stared blank faced at a wall and curled up in my chair in a fetal position. I couldn’t talk with people. If I talk with them they might become infected with my dirtiness.

I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I secretly hoped that one day on a run my heart would just stop and no one would have to see me again. I wasn’t worth anything anyway.
I continued having to meet with my dean; she blamed my sadness on not being allowed to study abroad, but I knew that it wasn’t that simple. I could live with not being allowed to go to South Africa at the moment, the country would be there for a while, but being forced to stay on campus in a dorm populated with men I did not know, that was the real psychological issue. Every time I told my dean that I didn’t feel safe on campus, that I wanted to be allowed to leave , or at least be put in a different dorm, I received the same unhelpful responses that I had received in February. They told me: You were lucky to be given a room here this summer in the first place, housing is tight right now and you really shouldn’t complain. All of your fear is ungrounded, Amherst is one of the safest places imaginable…If we let you leave campus we won’t know what mental and emotional place you’ll exist in when you return in September; you could become completely unstable! At Amherst we can monitor you, and, if need be, strongly suggest time off when the school year rolls around…

I felt like a prisoner, or, more accurately, like a harem girl. My jail was luxurious and openair, I was free to move about, the ruling power judged my worth on a weekly basis, and I was constantly reminded how lucky I was to be there.

One night, after a particularly rough meeting with my dean (I just don’t understand why you’ve been so angry throughout all of this. You have no reason to be angry about anything.), I was curled up on my floor—I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t feel anything.

I went over to the mirror on the back of my door and stared. What had happened to the girl who had come off of the Ward so empowered and strong; the girl who decided to no longer be silent and feel shamed? Where had she gone?

I went over to my desk and picked up a brochure I had been given about a survivor center at UMass Amherst. I gave an exaggerated sigh. Might as well…I called the number and made an appointment for the next day.

I went back to the mirror and stared at myself again.

For the next 15 minutes I repeated: “Silence has the rusty taste of shame.”

I walked over to my computer, typed up an email, hesitated for a second, and then pressed send.

I had just sent my entire sports team an email-rant about my rape and subsequent breakdown at the end of spring.

It was about time people began to realize that Amherst wasn’t just majestic dorms and world-class professors.

It was about time I resumed the silent pact that I had made to my roommate on the Ward.

I will not be quiet.

The next few weeks were a blur of unending days spent resolutely working to feel better (A friend told me: You can’t help other people if you feel like shit).

I was able to sleep again. I ate more. I went to free therapy sessions. I wrote and mindlessly colored in order to ground myself. I obsessively made lists of all the things imaginable. I joined a survivor group. I cried less and smiled a bit more.

I started healing.

It took a month of hard work until I was noticeably doing better. My friends, my therapist, my coworkers, and my fellow survivor group members all started commenting on how much healthier and happier I looked. I still felt uncomfortable and oppressed while surrounded by men on campus, but I was no longer afraid to leave my room after 7 p.m. I was determined to love Amherst again.

Life was tolerable.

Early July and I had another meeting with my dean: You look like you’re doing better today. Well done, I’m so glad to see this kind of improvement! I think it’s safe to assume that you can come back next semester, and in that regard I think that it’s time that we talk about your time at Amherst over the next two years…I know you want to do African Studies through the Five Colleges, but I don’t think I can support that decision. Africa is very traumatizing and I think that studying Africa is just a way for you to relive your real-life traumas; it’s just not a good place to be studying.

Over the next thirty minutes several more restrictions were laid out: no Five College classes this upcoming year, no study abroad in the spring, definitely no senior year thesis, I would have to meet with a counselor twice a week, and friends off campus would have to be pushed to the wayside. She told me: Amherst is the only place that matters, and, really, you don’t have a family, so where else would you go? Amherst is the only place that you can be.

At the end of our conversation I grunted out a vapid response and headed straight to my room. I sat on my bed, million-mile-gazed at the wall, and thought.

What was the point of staying at Amherst? I had been stuck on campus for eleven months straight; each day had been more challenging and emotionally draining than the previous one. I had been feeling better recently, but each time I met with my dean I felt more emotionally distraught than I had beforehand. Her comments reminded me that in the Administration’s eyes I was the most base individual: a poor and parentless humanities major who was the school’s token-Deep-Southerner. I was sullied, blameworthy, and possibly insane.

I made a Pros and Cons of Amherst List.

The Pro List had seven items.

The Con List had twenty-three items.

On July 14th I made one of the hardest decisions of my life.

I was going to withdraw from Amherst.

That next week I threw myself into finding a way out. Plans were made, plans were broken, Plan B was made, and finally Plan B was successful!

I did not tell the Administration for fear that they would somehow sabotage me. It was probably paranoid, but after being prevented from leaving campus multiple times I was not going to take any chances. The conversation went similarly to this:

“I’m withdrawing from Amherst.”

That was my greeting to my dean when I met with her in late July.

The look of complete shock on her face was priceless. When she recovered: So you’re taking a semester off? That’s perfectly ok, many survivors do, I think it’s best that you do what you…

No, I’m withdrawing, permanently. I ain’t planning on ever coming back. I’m going to transfer to another school after taking a semester off to travel around.

You can’t…You…Nobody withdraws. Where are you going to go? You don’t have parents. What are you going to do?

I’m working on a Dude Ranch in Wyoming.

…I didn’t think you’d be able to figure out a plan…Well, we technically won’t withdraw you from the school until three years have passed. After three years we’ll double-check to make sure that you really want to withdraw and then we’ll remove you from our current-students system.

No, I just want you to withdraw me. I don’t want to come back, I don’t want to be affiliated with your school anymore. I’m sick of this place.

I think you need to meet with our sexual assault counselor again, you’re way too angry right now and not thinking clearly. I have a feeling you’ll change your mind and come back. Amherst is one of the best schools out there, it will be a transfer down unless you go to an Ivy…

You know, I have I feeling that I won’t want to come back, but that’s just a hunch.

As my dean suggested, I met with our sexual assault counselor a few days later. The meeting was uncharacterizeable by one word, but bizarre might be the closest description: This is a bad idea, you’re not thinking straight.

I didn’t understand this. I’d been thinking about this for quite a while; I was unhappy at Amherst and I didn’t understand why I should stay at a place where I was absolutely miserable. There are other places in the world.

The next two hours was a hodgepodge of topics: Your lack of parental support makes you emotionally volatile and prevents you from following through with decisions that you make.

Apparently I had decided not to study abroad. Then there was bizarre ‘concern:’You don’t look very healthy. Have you been eating? I think you might have an eating disorder. You know there’s a great clinic in Northhampton where we can send you for in-patient eating disorder treatment.

I don’t have an eating disorder; I used to have one, I know what they’re like. I don’t eat a lot because I can’t afford to buy food.

Then the ranch came up: Do you realize how difficult working on a Dude Ranch will be? The people in Wyoming are different from the people at Amherst, they won’t be well-educated, and they won’t understand you. You’re going to a backwards place. Do you realize how bad it will be?

Yes, because the rest of the US is filled with ignorant savages who haven’t been saved by the light of Amherst. How would I ever survive?

To the counselor’s great surprise, these stellar arguments did not convince me to stay at Amherst. I became even more resolute about my decision to leave, and decided to talk with the Victim Rights Law Center, a pro-bono law firm based in Boston that my survivor group had recommended to me several weeks earlier. My preliminary intake with the VRLC was quite eye-opening: Oh Amherst? Yeah, unfortunately I know Amherst all too well. I’ve been down there many times to deal with the administration and their constant mistreatment of survivors. Our law firm keeps trying to force them to change but they just don’t seem to understand, they keep doing the same old thing.

Amherst has almost 1800 students; last year alone there were a minimum of 10 sexual assaults on campus. In the past 15 years there have been multiple serial rapists, men who raped more than five girls, according to the sexual assault counselor. Rapists are given less punishment than students caught stealing. Survivors are often forced to take time off, while rapists are allowed to stay on campus. If a rapist is about to graduate, their punishment is often that they receive their diploma two years late.

I eventually reported my rapist.

He graduated with honors.

I will not graduate from Amherst.

The stories and statistics are miles long in regards to sexual assault on campus. My story is far from unique, and, compared to some of the stories I have heard, is tame.
The more that I learn about Amherst’s policy toward sexual assault and survivors in general, the more relief I feel in deciding to transfer. How could I stay at a school who had made my healing process not just difficult, but impossible? How could I stand knowing that the Administration promotes silence? How could I spend the next two years made to feel dirty and at fault?

I could not.

At one point I hated Amherst with an indescribable amount of fury, but I do not hate the school anymore. Amherst took a lot from me, but they gave me some of the greatest gifts imaginable: self-confidence, my closest friends, intellectual curiosity, and endless personal strength. For these things I am forever grateful. For everything else, I stand back and behold the college with a feeling of melancholia.

The fact that such a prestigious institution could have such a noxious interior fills me with intense remorse mixed with sour distaste. I am sickened by the Administration’s attempts to cover up survivors’ stories, cook their books to discount rapes, pretend that withdrawals never occur, quell attempts at change, and sweep sexual assaults under a rug. When politicians cover up affairs or scandals the masses often rise up in angry protestations and call for a more transparent government. What is the difference between a government and the Amherst College campus? Why can’t we know what is really happening on campus? Why should we be quiet about sexual assault?

“Silence has the rusty taste of shame.”

There is no reason shame should be a school’s policy.

UPDATE: President Carolyn "Biddy" Martin has released a statement concerning this article and the follow-up steps being taken by the administration regarding sexual assault:

Nick Edises (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:26

I'm a student at Bowdoin College, and I have been touched by your strength and desire to heal. You have so much good to share, and there's so much you can change by doing so. Keep it up, and stay free!

anon (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:29

Thank you for being so open and brave. Your words are ripping through the internet quickly and you ARE making a difference by posting this. Good luck with your time off!

College Student... (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:29

Thank you for speaking up, and for having the courage to write this article. I suspect that the administration's reaction is typical to many colleges, and it sickens and saddens me that there is still a culture of blaming and marginalizing the victim after all the progress women have made.

You are a hero for speaking up.

Chelsea (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:32

You are the strongest girl I know. A friend of mine who goes to Amherst showed me this story and I applaud your bravery and strength. You can definitely keep that strong, no-nonsense woman, with an intense independence, view of yourself because you truly are just that, and more! The way you handled your situation proves it. I'm only sorry it had to be so rough for you and that you couldn't heal properly, then again, not most victims do. Just remember, you are not alone. For a young girl to have to go through this with no parental support, no cooperative administration, and no helpful counselors or friends, you only further empowered your independence and strength. I am so so deeply sorry you had to go through this on your own and I only wish I or someone could have been there to help you! And now I hear you're livin your life in Europe?? Go head with ya bad self girl! You're livin the dream and you keep on doing that. I am so proud of you.

Samantha (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:34

Thank you for sharing this incredibly important story. You are so brave and strong-such an inspiration!!!! Honestly, you deserve only happiness and success, and I hope you always find both.
An amazed peer

EDFC (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:36

Thank you so much for sharing your story. As a survivor, I am sending you so much love and gratitude.

Your story reminds all of us to seriously consider the question, "Do you feel safe?" And to deeply respect that each answer to that question is valid, meaningful, real, and MATTERS.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.
-Emily Dickinson

Y (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:52

I have no words to describe how incredibly brave this is. As both a survivor of sexual assault and an ally of other survivors on my college campus, I would like to thank you for sharing your story. We send our love and support to you from Los Angeles.

MD (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:55

As I read through Angie Epifano's account, I realized that what I was hearing was the flip side of what we in the Student Affairs profession do as we advise and guide students. We advise students to facilitate and further their academic and social development, but when working with "problematic cases" we always advise them in the best interest of our respective institutions. It isn't Amherst alone; it's many colleges across the country. I know, as an adviser at a Midwestern college, that much of what we do in these instances is based on fear because we rely on our legal counsel's office and we play it safe. Our goal changes from what is in the best interest of the student to what is in the best interest of other students around him/her and ultimately the institution's liability. Thus, we neglect to differentiate between someone who has psychological issues because of unresolved abuse but is working to change the circumstances of his/her life and someone who is very seriously mentally ill and doesn't seem to know what to do about it. I am not one bit surprised that she was told she could not go on Study Abroad after having once been on suicide watch. I remember when I was a study abroad adviser once, going through every list of students who had signed up for study abroad with the dean of students and the counseling services staff and determining who was "safe" to go, who needed an eye kept on him or her, and who flat-out could not go. The dean is, by virtue of his/her administrative position, in close contact with the legal counsel's office and is often unfortunately dictated to by them. I remember my dean once telling me that she struggled with balancing the educational interests of the institution with its liabilities, and that she knew that if the legal counsel's office had their way, the school wouldn't even offer a study abroad program! So for those of you commenters who are doubting the veracity of Angie's claims, don't. She has told it from her perspective. What people in my profession need to reminded of is that these are people we're working with... dynamic people who because of their age, their drive, their goals, etc. can turn their lives around and move forward constructively. All we need to do is stop getting in the way. A study abroad stint would have done Angie wonders. They should have taken a chance on her but it unfortunately doesn't surprise me that they didn't. Thank you, Angie, for so articulately writing about your experience. It should serve as a wake-up call to people in my profession to humanize their students and to see shades of grey. I hope you get to travel the world. Personally, I know that it is one of THE best ways to get one's life in order.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:55

Dear Angie,
You are an incredible person and I am in awe of your bravery. I want you to know that we support you, and your courage is an inspiration to us all. Coming from a male-dominated military background, I have witnessed far too many similar scenarios, but I never thought this could happen at Amherst. The actions of the administration are quite shocking. I can only hope that their agenda will not be one of 'damage control' for the Amherst image, but one that genuinely attempts to address the issue to ensure this does not ever happen again. Thank you for sharing your story.

Brittany Williams (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:59

Support and solidarity sister. Reach out, screw Amherst if they don't want to help you. Stuff like this makes me *GLAD* Amherst rejected me and I got into Hampshire. I ended up at the better school anyway, :). You can move forward. You have support. You. Can. Make. It.

LG (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 01:59

Thank you for sharing your story. You are a brave woman and we support you!

Julia (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:01

Thank You Angie for such bravery. You are not alone. To "Read This..": you've got to be kidding me...that's a small sample size of schools in western New England. You cannot extrapolate from that (with any intellectual honesty) that Amherst College is a hotbed of sexual violence. Let's not assume that one rape means many, no matter how despicable the reaction from the administration. I recently attended a single-sex College in the Valley and found Amherst men to be far more respectful than UMass men or men from colleges back home fwiw.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:04

You're very brave. Thank you.

Chase (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:06

This is bullshit. It is absurd that this happens anywhere. I'm from UMass, where these problems are severe. Your story is deeply resonant, combining the personal and the political. I applaud your courage and candor. WE are with you.

Wildcats (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:09

This is being widely read at Northwestern. We support you and your bravery.

Rena (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:10

I went to Middlebury for two years before realizing I had to leave; I turned down two Ivies and transferred to a UC (I'm originally from California). I never experienced any sexual assault, but part of the reason I felt Middlebury was so toxic to me had to do with the insidious culture of often subtle misogyny. I basically got pretty depressed and felt like I didn't fit in and I was so blatantly not the "right kind" of woman or person for the school, like I didn't belong and would never belong.

I took some time off and travelled and volunteered extensively abroad before transferring and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Don't listen to anyone who says a dude ranch in wyoming is somehow a less important experience than college, or to anyone who says you'll be "transferring down." I transferred down and, while I do sometimes wonder if I should have gone to an Ivy, I know it was the right choice for me to remove myself from the place where I'd been so negatively affected.

There is something deeply off about the new england liberal arts colleges, where students are told how great the community is and smothered in a facade of acceptance all while simultaneously being asked to conform to a noxious ideal. Be yourself, don't be afraid, and please know how deeply brave it is for you to write this and post it and report it. You will never get back these years and the person you were before, but maybe by speaking out you can help someone else feel less alone and help cause real change.

You are a stunning person. Thank you.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Wed, 10/31/2012 - 21:03

I agree. There is something off about these colleges. What should we do?

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:11

Hi Angie, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I'm a survivor of rape myself, and I know how suffocating the shame and silence can truly be. I can't even express to you how moving it is to see someone so selflessly putting their pain out into the open for the sake of others. It takes a strength I've never had.

I also just wanted to let you know this story is circulating and having an impact nationwide, I'm a USC student and I found this through a friend at UCLA who had it sent to them by a friend at Stanford. I hope that Amherst feels enough pressure to think seriously about change.

Thank you for taking a stand for survivors everywhere, and I hope that you find peace and healing in the future.

Kat (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:13

A very similar experience happened to me at a boarding school. I am so proud of you for stepping forward about this. Thank you!

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:14

... To all those who did not have the strength, as you did, to write this. As a freshman here, it disgusts me that they virtually ignore all victims pleas for help, and I vow to spread awareness. Thank you for this.

Mariam (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:14

Angie, you are a survivor. Thank you for sharing this. Amherst needs to do something about this IMMEDIATELY. You should reveal his name.

Love and support from Mount Holyoke.

Mariam (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:15

Angie, you are a survivor. Thank you for sharing this. Amherst needs to do something about this IMMEDIATELY. You should reveal his name.

Love and support from Mount Holyoke.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:17

You have so much strength to be so open about an event like this. I, too, was raped (not at NU) and never said anything for fear of people thinking I was weak. When I did decide to tell someone, I was told I was a lying slut. That I was too dominant and strong of a person for something like that to happen to “someone like me”. It’s baffling how a victim can be the one reprimanded in the event of such a heinous crime. Thank you so much for your astounding courage and for sharing this.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:18

The same thing happened to me my first year at the University of Chicago. I've never heard anyone else's story in such detail before. To be honest, I had to stop reading, because I don't want to think about it, but I've felt all the same feelings, the denial, anger, and pain. Its amazing that you actually reported your rapist. That takes a lot of strength. I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors.

Mariam (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:21

Angie, you are such a strong woman. Thank you for sharing this. Amherst needs to do something about this IMMEDIATELY. You should reveal his name.

Love and support from Mount Holyoke.

Not All Those W... (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:22

You are loved for your bravery. Good luck and I wish you the best of success.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:22

Angie, you are so brave and strong. Thank you for sharing your story. Love from William and Mary.

Caitlin (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:23

Angie, you have thousands standing behind you. I hope you can feel the support and gratitude surrounding you and holding you close. I graduated from Smith two years ago, and I also spent some time on the lonely top floor of Cooley-Dickinson's locked psychiatric ward. Though what brought me there was a far different story from yours, I identified closely with the pushback and ridiculous policies that were held upon your release - I was also threatened with dismissal and then later told that I must have "misunderstood the situation." I want to echo former commenters' words that you have done your Ward roommate proud with this piece you have written.

Willamette Student (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:23

Reading this late at night, gives you an smash in the head. I wish you luck, and with all of the attention that is happening, i hope Amherst really fixes this. Support from Willamette University!

Kat (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:23

I had a very similar story happen to me. Thank you for speaking up. As one survivor to another, my empathy is endless and my love knows no bounds.

Hayley (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:23

I am from New Zealand and this has reached us too. I am horrified that this has taken place and Angie is incredibly brave and strong to stand up and make her story known. New Zealand has noticed and we support you Angie. Amherst better apologise and change its policies quick or it will be blacklisted around the world.

Amanda (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:26

Thank you for sharing your story. You are strong. You are brave. You are inspiring. You are loved.

Laine (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:26

Angie, what a horrible and frightening story. My college has also been recently "exposed" for sweeping sexual assaults and rape under the rug. I really just want to apologize on behalf of HUMANITY for what happened to you. You are so, so brave for speaking out. I am so sorry you did not get justice. I am shocked that colleges are so incredibly harmful when it comes to sexual assault--not just ignorant, but making it SO much worse. It's disgusting. I am crying right now because I simply can't imagine what you went through. Please know that you are a wonderful person and you have helped not only yourself by speaking out but many other victims.

Dennis (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:27

This has reached us in Australia. We support you Angie. Amherst, you better be panicking because you fucked up royally.

Anon (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:28

You're making waves with a beautifully written account of tragedy. No one should EVER have to go what you went through. You are a brave and astounding woman for sharing your story! Trust me when I tell you - you have already made a huge difference in many people's lives. I was deeply moved by your story (and am so glad I decided against attending Amherst!)

Hannah (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:33

You are so brave for sharing this. As someone who has also experienced sexual assault, I am so appreciative for the people who are brave enough to speak out. I still don't speak of what happened to me very often for fear of not being believed. I'm in Australia and very far away from you and your world, but your story touched and inspired me. Thank you.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:35

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I've passed it along to Jezebel, in the hopes that it will pick it up and garner even more national attention. Words can't really do how this piece has made me feel justice, but as someone who has experienced the devastating effect of sexual violence on those who I have loved multiple times, your piece was truly powerful. Thank you thank you for speaking out, and I really hope that the University changes for the better because of your words.

You have an ally at Stanford.

Yale (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:40

From a student at a school whose school who has been struggling to fix the catastrophe you experienced when trying to report your ordeal and seek counseling, thank you. This is a problem not isolated to Amherst, but a problem that many colleges (and especially the "prestigious" ones) have as well. It's time for administrations to put their students above their public images--because when it comes down to it, it is in their best interest to do so.

To college administrations: it takes far more courage, and it is far more admirable, to admit that your college has problems, that sexual assaults do occur, and that steps need to be taken to ensure that victims can come forward without being discouraged from legal action, or pushed into isolation, or being told that they have their own story wrong, or, most importantly, having to feel shame for telling their story.

To students: the majority of you will not do this, but for those of you who do, please stop discounting the gravity of sexual assault and rape. It happens, and it is not one of those things that becomes less serious if you joke about it, or that you can even pretend to understand. I know that I have never been a victim of such acts and I know very well that I am lucky. Don't wait until it happens to one of your friends. Foster a safe environment for people to come forward through your daily behavior. It's the little things--jokes about rape, saying that some outfit makes a girl asking to get raped, and subtler things--that ultimately make a victim feel ashamed about what may have happened to him or her. It's up to us to change things. We can't depend on the administration to change.

To victims: Don't be ashamed. Never, ever be ashamed. Speak up like the incredibly brave girl who wrote this, and set an example for others. I know it may be hard, but I know I will never understand how hard it truly was. But what I do know is that keeping it secret, keeping it hidden, will only destroy you more.

And to those of you saying she's exaggerating, that she's seeking attention, that she needs to hear the other side? Fuck you. This is her side. This is how it affected her. How dare you tell her that she shouldn't, that she isn't, feeling this way. How dare you shame her for being braver than most of us could ever imagine being, for standing up for herself, for speaking out.

Wellesley student (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:42

Angie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't imagine what it was like to go through that, but I hope writing this article brought you some peace and that it also results in Amherst making changes to the way they handle sexual assault. Your story has brought you many new supporters. Best of luck to you.

Alex (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:45

Thank you for writing this.

Sagehen (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:51

Your story has made it over to Pomona College as well. We only have love and support for you, Angie. Best of luck.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:54

Thank you so much for standing up and telling your story! Lead an amazing life … that’s the best form of revenge. Don’t ever let them stop you! All the best!

UC Berkeley student (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:54

You are incredible--thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love from Berkeley, CA.

Michael (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:57

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your bravery is inspirational.

Eric (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 02:59

Thank you so much for sharing. I can only imagine how difficult the journey must have been and how much courage you must have to break the silence. Thank you so much. It will help for generations to come.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 03:00

It's almost unbelievable how similar our stories are. Except I chose to report the assault within a few days, then press charges through the school, then study abroad. (Also, I do not go to Amherst...) But this semester is ending..... and I'll be coming back home. I wish I could ask you how you dealt with it- the anxiety mostly. A criminal trial would have been forcing me to re-live hell. My rapist was suspended for two years. He'll be back to the same school soon enough, with the same friends. I can't.... Thank you for sharing, it's good to know that someone else out there understands how it's felt. (Between the interrogations of detectives, doctors, honor court, family, friends..... it's easy to forget that you aren't the only person in the world going through something like this) Please continue to share your story. You never know who might need to hear it. And to the people who have the nerve to comment on here accusing Angie of lying, etc- your ignorance and skepticism are a huge part of the pain and humiliation that a victim of rape has to suffer through. It's very unfortunate that you would use your ignorance to attack a victim as you are doing here.

Columbia undergrad (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 03:06

Just reiterating what others have said: thank you, so much, for speaking up, and know that you have an ally in this columbia undergrad.

Smith Student (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 03:07

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Know that you are being heard! Obviously institutional change is necessary at Amherst and no doubt at schools across the country, but I hope this piece will also inspire all of us in the Five Colleges and beyond to reflect on how we can contribute to a community in which there is no place for the painful injustice you encountered here.

Smith Student (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 03:10

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Know that you are being heard! Obviously institutional change is necessary at Amherst and no doubt at schools across the country, but I hope this piece will also inspire all of us in the Five Colleges and beyond to reflect on how we can contribute to a community in which there is no place for the painful injustice you encountered here.

Anonymous (not verified) says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 03:11

Scripps College's student government just linked your story on their facebook page. You are being heard all the way in California. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and I hope your personal recovery goes well. Your words will illicit change and while that cannot make up for what has happened to you, hopefully it can give you some closure. Good luck