13 Songs to Help Us Bitter People Get Through Valentine's Day
Issue   |   Wed, 02/15/2017 - 01:11
Justin Barry ‘18
If you lack an outlet for your bitterness during this capitalist holiday, crank up these tunes and sing along dramatically, like you used to before your heart was broken.

Tired of spending Valentine's Day sitting alone in silence? Fear no more: with my help, you’ll be able to sit alone on Valentine's Day listening to the voices of other super bitter single people. Let us launch our attack on this sickeningly sweet holiday like a passive-aggressive couple mid-divorce. Presented to you in no particularly good order, some songs to get you through the week:

1. Love Stinks – The J. Geils Band
This one goes without saying. A classic, absolutely required listen for us bitter people on this holiday. It’s essential to remind oneself of the simple truth when being bombarded with the heterosexual romantic agenda: love stinks.

2. Lipstick Covered Magnet – The Front Bottoms
There’s nothing better to do on Valentine’s Day than screaming over and over, “I’m scared I’m gonna die as lonely as I feel right now.” And that’s just the bridge; the true gem is the chorus, which includes the festive imagery of teeth being knocked out. Overall it is a self-deprecating masterpiece, perfect for wallowing in self-pity.

3. Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects
A great one if you have a specific target for your bitterness. It allows you to express your anger and hopes for their bright — one could even say fiery — future.

4. Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
Say all you want about country music. Sure, I don’t like it either. But this song culturally does not count as country. Since the revenge narrative is so relatable, even the most militant haters can’t help but sing along. Also, girl power! You slash those tires, Carrie! Do it for those of us who can’t!

5. Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five
What a sad story is relayed to us here. If you plan on breaking up with someone, at least have the common decency to pay for the dinner you’re breaking up with them over. This is one of those songs where you can feel better that it wasn’t you. Unless it did happen to you — in which case I pour one out for you.

6. I Want Your Girlfriend to be My Girlfriend – Reel Big Fish
I enjoy the variety of solutions he offers to the problem stated in the title; “Maybe I should kill you” is the best line by far. It’s basically everything you wanted the song “Jessie’s Girl” to be.

7. Miserable – Lit
You’ve got to love that early 2000’s pop punk. Notice how beautifully arranged the first line is, “You make me come / You make me complete / You make me completely miserable.” So clever, so subtle, so deliciously bitter.

8. My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne
Here to remind you how that stupid sappy movie your friends are watching really ends. Don’t you miss the days when you could sing Avril Lavigne songs without having ever felt the horrors of a teenage breakup? Ah, to be a youth.

9. You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
Alanis Morissette is a really weird person. However, that does not mean we can’t relate to her problems anyway. She starts out saying she’s happy for her ex and ends up in what is essentially a one-sided screaming match, cursing him for the way he ended things with her.

10. Goodbye Earl – The Dixie Chicks
Now here’s a song that you might just not have to cry to. There really isn’t anything more heartwarming than this story of two best friends killing a horrible man named Earl and continuing to live happily ever after. It is set to these perfectly lovely “na na-na na nas” that foster a sense of community surrounding this murder. So take a short break from your screams of misery and smile a little, because sometimes truly evil people get what they deserve.

11. All I Wanted – Paramore
Back to our regular scheduled programming of music to which you can lie on the floor in romantic angst. I think the guitar in this song sounds like pain. The agony of rejection.

12. Divorce Song – Liz Phair
I personally don’t know how it feels to be in the middle of a divorce, but this song is a level of petty that must be award-winning. Honestly, it reminds us of how awful a relationship can be, and will therefore help strengthen us as we defend ourselves from the ongoing insistence of our families that we ought to have found someone by now. Isn’t that what college is for? To find your spouse? Damn, I missed the boat on that whole husband thing. Oh well, now I won’t have to get divorced!

13. Foundations – Kate Nash
This is definitely the cutest song of the bunch and a great sing along. It’s a little bit sad, but mostly conveys annoyance at someone who seems like a pretty useless man. It includes one of my favorite insults ever: “You say I must eat so many lemons, 'cause I am so bitter.”

Over the weekend, as you brave encounters with all the insufferable people in love, take heart in the fact that you are not alone by yourself. We are all by ourselves.

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