Labyrinth of Buckeyes
Issue   |   Tue, 09/30/2014 - 23:42

I often find it comical, and occasionally somewhat childish, how I obtain inspiration for these articles. Why did I write about Red Sox nation last year? While in Val one day, someone jokingly said, “Our hockey season is a marathon, but sprint" — harmless comment for most, something a normal person chuckles at then continues on with their normal daily regiment. However, my brain did its normal Tokyo Drift style autopilot, going 95 miles per hour over speed bumps down back roads and alleys that aren’t detectible on your typical GPS system. Buckle up, ladies and gents. You’re coming along for the ride.

My engine turned on at “marathon but sprint”, took a left into Boston marathon, reversed to the marathon bombings, into the breakdown lane at David Ortiz, blew through a stop sign at the intersection of my grandmother and Fenway Park hotdogs, followed by an abrupt right-hand turn through a "Do Not Enter" at my loyalty to the Red Sox and finally finished with 360-flip into the fluctuating loyalty of all Sox fans.

And no, I did not hear a single word my teammates were saying to me at the Val table; the radio was nothing but fuzz. So, to protect you from any further danger within the depths of my mind, I’ll just say this. Thank you, hopefully, Alex Hero’s laptop stickers for the initial inspiration for this segment of Post to Post with PapaCunny: Why do people root for the Cleveland Browns, or any professional Ohio-based teams for that matter?

Couch, Detmer, Wynn, Penderson, Holcomb, McCown, Garcia, Dilfer, Frye, Dorsey, Gradkowski, Anderson, Quinn, Delhomme, Wallace, McCoy, Lewis, Hoyer, Weeden, Campbell, Weeden, Hoyer, Buhler? No class, this isn’t role call. These are the names of all the different starting quarterbacks the Cleveland Browns have flicked onto the field each season since 1999. It’s okay to laugh, trust me, my roommate is from Cleveland. To clarify for those of you who don’t waste an entire Sunday inhaling buffalo wings and getting hand cramps from violently switching to another NFL game because your team fumbled on two consecutive drives, it is not normal to have 20 different quarterbacks over the course of 15 seasons. For example, since 1999, the New England Patriots have used three different quarterbacks, and the changes all resulted from injury. Drew Bledsoe got hurt, so sixth-round draft pick Tom Brady casually came out, grabbed three rings and became the poster boy for New England sports. Brady then suffered an injury in 2008, so Matt Cassel played until Brady recovered the following season.

So why, after decades of misery and uncertainty, were the Cleveland Browns ranked 11th out of 32 teams in fan attendance, six spots ahead of the New England Patriots? Every Sunday for two years I have asked myself this seemingly rhetorical question, and I am initially reminded of the absurd loyalty of pre-2004 Red Sox fans. While on the surface, the question appears perfectly applicable to both teams, I find fault with such a comparison at the core. Yes, both teams lost year after year. However, the Red Sox came so very close to a championship numerous times, pushing fans to say “next season has to be our year.” For me, Browns fans are on a different end of the spectrum in that regard. Cleveland has never been remotely close to a ring, and not even small glimmers of hope have occurred. Since the AFL-NFL merger in 1966, the Browns have made the playoffs 14 times, which at first glance doesn’t seem terrible. However, they have not made the playoffs since 2002, have never been to a Super Bowl and have only advanced to the conference-title game five times. Again, five times seems OK, but it ranks 10th out of 16 teams in the AFC, and three of the six lower ranked teams were founded after the Browns (Texans 2002, Jaguars 1995, Seahawks 1976). Furthermore, even when the Browns advanced to the AFC championship game, they lost by an average of 19.5 points; thus, Browns fans have never had the constant “so close” feeling of the Red Sox nation. No ball between Buckner’s legs, Bucky Dent or Aaron Boone homers. So why is the Cleveland Stadium packed with fans every Sunday?

Could it be the players that charge out onto the turf donning the orange and brown that fill seats year after year? Nope. Sorry, do not pass go and do not collect your $200. My reasoning reverts back to the number of quarterbacks the Browns have had since 1999 (20). In football, the position of quarterback inherently demands focus, and outside of winning, is why fans follow a team. It’s unavoidable. When you go to a game you’re inescapably going for the quarterback. The quarterback ultimately determines who the best players on the field will be; Randy Moss wouldn’t be a Pro-Bowler if Brady never threw him the pigskin. So maybe Browns fans think they’re going to a game because they want to watch “electric” Miles Austin catch a few passes, but they’re actually going to see Brian Hoyer flounder around in the pocket. If a team does not have a good QB, it’s nearly impossible to have a successful team. We’ve already ruled out winning as the culprit for why Browns fans are Browns fan, and unless they’re going to watch bad QBs be bad for fun, the players can’t be what is driving fans into the seats either. So WHY do fans pour in to watch the Browns?

It has to be a genuine love for the sport in Cleveland, considering football was invented in Ohio, right? This answer would probably get you half credit on a Browns exam administered by Professor Cunningham. At first, I was inclined to believe such a notion; football is naturally bred into every citizen of Ohio. However, if that were the case, wouldn’t it seem logical for fans to fulfill their football needs by attending games for Ohio State, a perennial collegiate power house and a winning team, instead of for the pathetic Browns? Basically, these are the two options for football fans from Ohio: pay a minimum of $90 dollars to watch a team lose every year and ultimately disrespect your commitment as a fan, or pay a slightly lesser fee to witness the potential for greatness every Saturday, as you find yourself enveloped by a tradition of winning and an aroma of sheer, constant excitement. Money in my pocket and winning for me, please.

However, it did occur to me, for a moment, I was rash in my harsh conclusion that it’s more than obvious to attend an Ohio State game over a Browns game. If you love something, like football, you would want to experience the very best side of this love. For example, if you love poetry, you will undoubtedly find more pleasure indulging in the works of Robert Frost than reading a poem by Dave Cunningham, an amateur, even though I will probably charge you less to read mine than Amherst Books will for a Frost collection ($35.00). Thus, it is warranted for the fencer from Columbus, who needs a healthy portion of football every Sunday to get through life, to cut back on groceries for the week because he wants to spend an extra $20 to watch the Browns instead of OSU.

Unfortunately for my psyche, and a thesis to this article, the fencer in Columbus theory eventually became questionable after analyzing other situations in various states. I guess I won’t be able to get to bed early for that lift tomorrow.

The Jacksonville Jaguars and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers rank 28th and 29th, respectively, in average attendance, yet the University of Florida is ranked 10th in all of college football and Florida State is 18th. Football-loving citizens of Florida have no problem with sacrificing the opportunity to watch the best players for a chance to watch winning amateurs. Even in Pittsburgh, the fans had no problem with abandoning their storied franchise during a .500 season in 2013; the Steelers' attendance ranked 29th in the NFL while Penn State was 5th in all of college football (out of 120 Div. I teams). Ohio football fans are an anomaly in this sense. Why don’t the Browns fans follow suit and ditch the team that spits in their face every day, when other opportunities exist?

I just don’t know. The Cleveland portion of my brain seems to be a never ending tennis match because, in my opinion, I appear to have a rebuttal for every Browns fan loyalty hypothesis. Even if a Browns fan tells me why he or she is loyal, at this point in my Browns journey, I will have to tell them they are wrong. I simply cannot be fully swayed.

I apologize to every teacher I have ever had, but I need to break the keynote rule for all papers, speech or raised hand in class. I simply do not have an answer. I just do not know.